Journal entry from Jennifer on 12.5.2017
This gypsy soul is tired and weary. And, looks like little one is tired as well.
Some days I feel like I am on the verge of drowning in life. Some days, I feel like I am swimming. Either way, I feel like I need to keep it all together, whatever that means. My heart is broken living this life without Ellie Grace in it. My soul is wounded in ways I can't put into words. Life is good. Yeah. So. Maybe. Life after grief sorta reminds me of life after having a baby, except you don't have a baby to love on.
Returning to work from maternity leave is always hard, in so many ways. I know many of you can relate. Returning to work after losing a child feels very conflicting. It has been helpful in many ways, but I am weary. I am sad. I am dreaming of things to make it better. Those things I know not.
I still have all the pictures of Ellie on my phone that were there when she passed away. If I had to guess, it's probably over 2k of just her. But, I don't look at that intentionally often. It is too hard. That sweet, round face, that light complexion with beautiful blue eyes. I see her and my heart just sinks and aches for her. How. How in the world was I given the gift of such an amazing child, only for her to be ripped out of my life. Ugh...I can't continue this right now. Through this weeping, I can't catch my breath.
As I drove to school, I listened to Dave Matthews while Kat slept in the back. I was already feeling tired, weary and weepy, then I look down at the song and it was, "Grace is Gone." And it hit me, and I said to myself. Yes, Grace is Gone. Our sweet Ellie Grace has left us here, but we hope that we shall meet again one day. Here are some of the lyrics that I connected to this morning. I don't know the story behind this song, but I felt it.
Grace is Gone by Dave Matthews
Neon shines through smokey eyes tonight
It's 2 A. M. I'm drunk again
And it's heavy on my mind
I could never love again
So much as I love you
Where you end, where I begin
Is like a river running through
Take my eyes, take my heart
I need them no more
If never again I fall upon the one I so adore
[Chorus:]
Excuse me please, one more drink
Could you make it strong
Cause I don't need to think
She broke my heart
My grace is gone
One more drink and I'll move on
One drink to remember
Then another to forget
How could I ever dream to find
Sweet love like you again
One drink to remember
Then another to forget
Excuse me please, one more drink
Could you make it strong
Cause I don't need to think
She broke my heart
My grace is gone
One more drink and I'll move on
One more drink and I'll be gone
You think of things impossible
Then the sun refuse to shine
I walk with you beside me
Your cold hand lay in mine
Excuse me please, one more drink
Could you make it strong
Cause I don't need to think
She broke my heart
My grace is gone
One more drink and I'll go
Excuse me please, one more drink
Could you make it strong
Cause I don't need to think
She broke my heart
My grace is gone
One more drink and I'll move on
One more drink and I'll be gone
One more drink my grace is gone